Way back in about May I was feeling this craving for something more. I couldn’t quite put it in words, but I knew that this year (it was already month five!) I needed to give myself space to stretch, to grow and to learn in a new way.
It had been a while since I’d been in any workshop or training rooms receiving new teaching. And while I had access to plenty of online resources and incredible people to connect with I felt like there was this gap – at least for me.
In previous years I’d had something precisely scheduled in. A course. A retreat. A new online programme. I had milestones or containers that were held for specific purposes throughout the year.
This year, felt different.
Around that time as I started my scrolling and researching efforts – essentially allowing my mind and heart to wander down a few rabbit holes to see what was on offer – I saw a full day business workshop for October.
It was in London. With someone I really resonate with. She’s in London every couple of years and even then I’ve only ever seen her have shorter events, one or two hour workshops or talks.
A whole day.
It was enticing.
It felt like a stretch but a good one. Like YES! I know this is right for me, but could I really be the one to sign up?
When I saw the price, I’ll be really open – it felt like a squeeze for me at that particular time. It felt big. Yet necessary.
My entire heart and body said yes, do this, you know when October rolls around it’s exactly what you need.
Yet my head said – uh. Hang on there. Hold the brakes.
I sat on it for weeks.
I kept the window open on my phone and kept referring back to it.
I mentioned it to a couple of people in passing just to get a feel for the reaction (my own, not there’s). To feel for whether I would take the leap or not.
Then one day I just said, enough.
My heart says yes, it’s a yes.
I jumped back online to go secure my ticket – and, it was SOLD OUT.
My heart lurched and my chest sunk.
I felt so disappointed. Not just because the event had sold out, but because I felt like I “knew better”.
With all the emotional and mindset work I’ve done over the years to get to know myself, I know for sure that when I follow my heart, when I lead from a place of what lights me up, it always always works out for the best.
That decision in the moment isn’t always necessary, but I’ve got enough data in my life to know it to be true now. And to trust that momentarily feeling of the “leap of faith” because I know it’s so much more than that.
So when I saw the event had sold out I felt frustrated because I had allowed my head to get in the way and delay my ultimate decision (that my body and heart had already decided on weeks again).
Maybe you’ve experience something similar in your life. Where you’ve felt a wash of excitement, trepidation, joy wash over you about a potential decision. And then you’ve allowed it to fade into the background as all the reason and logic takes over.
And maybe you too, have felt that same sense of disappointment when you realise that option is no longer available to you due to external factors.
I believe that feeling we get is there to tell us something. And the more we can tune into it, the more we build our muscle around leading from the heart to begin with.
It’s like in the Friends episode where Rachel finds out she’s pregnant and Phoebe tells her the test was ‘negative’. She starts to get emotional about it and Phoebe says “see now you know how you truly feel”. Ah.
Maybe I should have led with that story? It pretty much sums up my point in a 2 min scene. 😉